healing.

I have been incredibly prideful in my walk with God.

I was sure that all my “works” were what gave me what I wanted. What I thought I needed. I prayed consistently. I worshipped with my whole heart. I tithed. I served in church and honored my pastors with acts of sacrifice (cleaning their homes for no compensation or recognition) giving my heart and time willingly. I continually forgave my husband for his unfaithfulness. I constantly asked forgiveness for my perceived sins. In my mind I had checked all the boxes. How could God withhold any good thing from me?

His promises were “yes and amen” – He was not a man that He would lie. He would complete what He began in me. These are scriptures I would recite over and over. Telling myself the lie that my life would be what I had dreamed it would be, after all wasn’t it God who said He would give me the desires of my heart?

Never in a million years did I believe I would lose the one thing I had asked for the most, my family. When I finally accepted my marriage was over, I felt betrayed. Angry. And unbelievably devastated.

How could the God I served and loved who loved me allow this? How could He not protect me from this? In fact at our last child’s birth I had told Him whatever He spoke over him, I would take for my marriage (it was already on the brink of disaster) The words prophesied were “Overcoming Spirit” Ha! What a joke, we didn’t overcome anything. In my heart I felt lied to. By my pastors and by my God, who I had always seen as my father. I would never hurt MY children like this. How could He sit by and watch or allow me to suffer in this way as His child? I shook my fists at Him. I even cursed at Him, calling Him names through my tears. I would never be the same. I could never feel the same. It was too much for me to bear. My heart was broken. My spirit shattered. My hopes gone.

I ran in every direction- away from Him. From what I had always known. In hopes of comfort and healing- all for not. I created only more devastation with a series of terrible choices, some of which I am still reaping consequences of even today.

God is merciful. God is faithful. Most of all God is love. Love forgives, endures (unjust undeserved) wrongdoing, love waits patiently- with hope. Love is safe and accepting.

When I had run to the end of myself, I finally quieted my heart and soul to listen, He spoke. Quietly yet loudly if you know what I mean. It was not stern, just true and honest.He said, “Melissa, I gave man free will. Just as I cannot force my will on you, I cannot on anyone else. It is my gift to you. Some see it as a curse, because what you desire for yourself also belongs to another. This makes way for hurt, and disappointment but it is not my doing.”

I became a heap of nothingness on my floor and sobbed for hours. Just as Jacob wrestled with God, I had myself- it was time to finally yield. To stop fighting. Stop wishing for something different and accept what was. I realized God’s heart was just as broken as mine. Healing had finally begun.