silence

Silence.

It used to terrify me. I literally could not stand the sound of it.

So much that I would create waves, I would cause turmoil. If not with others, within the walls of my mind. I would over think, over analyze, and create things that did not even exist. The noise comforted me. It made me focus on it rather than myself.

Then if you added space to silence, I would lose everything inside. I was like a caged animal, screaming within. I would mask it or try to, but I think looking back I failed miserably. I think those closest to me could see it, my eyes would give it away. The terror was evident. I moved to and fro, looking for something, anything to ease the chaos I felt inside.

What is meant to help us would destroy me.

You see space and silence can be a good thing. When someone actually takes the time and space they need to find the right words, or to heal themselves so they do not cause you harm, this is a gift few possess.

I only knew those who would spew whatever hate they could, and I would receive it, deep down inside. Confirming my own self-hate. I was familiar with the violence of words, the noise of it echoing in my heart and soul, being my constant companion. So, when I chose to walk away from that the silence was almost deafening.

Little by little I grew to love the silence. I found solace and rest within its walls. But I was alone, I had not allowed anyone else in to violate that. I did not trust anyone to value me, or my heart. It became comfortable and I craved it. I protected it.Then an amazing thing, YOU.You walked in. Calm and kind. Thoughtful and genuine. My walls came down- for a moment.But at the first sign of space, I would fret and wonder why. Not understanding the gift. The gift of learning to be a part of your world and you a part of mine without it being my entire universe. It was healthy. Not obsessive or addictive. You were the opposite of all my mistakes.

“You are never alone.”

“I am not going anywhere.”

Words I had waited my whole life to hear came so easily from your heart. I knew it was your heart because when the silence would stir my heart and I acted out, you would take the time and space needed to handle my heart. It was your gift to me; to understand we all need to process in order to be healthy. Silence and space create room for growth, for understanding, for clarity. All things I so deeply desired and yet escaped me for so long.

Today, I can rest. I do not often “get in my head”, there are moments for sure. But if I stop and quiet myself, I can hear you and your words. I know and trust them, because I know I can. Time is a gift. Taking the time and space needed to grow and learn and change is the best gift.What is so amazing is not feeling the need to fill the silence with noise. Being able to sit within myself and to know deep down I am definitely not alone. Time, silence, and space has woven a part of you within my soul.